How to have shorter arguments with your wife

Most arguments between husbands and wives can be avoided. To do this, we need to stop and listen, take responsibility for our words and actions, and avoid getting defensive.

Here is an example of how to get into an argument.

Wife: Honey, I don’t like when you use my car and don’t lock it up.

Husband: What do you mean? I always lock your car after using it.

Wife: That’s not true. Yesterday I found my car unlocked after you used it.

Husband: Are you sure? I am positive I locked it. I always intend to lock it.

Wife: Yes, I am sure. If you want to use my car, I would request you lock it when you are done.

Husband: But I do always lock it. Maybe I shouldn’t use your car, just in case I “forget” to lock it.

Wife: You don’t need to get defensive. Are you willing to lock my car when you use it?

Husband: Not if you expect me to be “perfect.” Is that what you think I need to be? Perfect? Besides when you use my car, you sometimes leave it unlocked, and I don’t bug you about it.

Wife: I am not talking about this anymore since you can’t seem to take responsibility for your actions. Make your own lunch.

 

In this example, the wife is not talking to an emotionally mature husband. Instead she is talking to an emotionally immature adult who is showing up as a teenager by not listening, not taking responsibility, and getting defensive.

 

Now, let’s see what this conversation can look like when the husband shows up as an emotionally mature adult.

 

Wife: Honey, I don’t like when you use my car and don’t lock it up when you are done

Husband: I didn’t realize I may have left your car open. I will be more careful in the future. I am sorry.

Wife: Thanks. Let’s go get a bite to eat.

 

Notice how short conversations are when we take responsibility, and show up as “emotionally intelligent” adults. 

Here are three proven ways to avoid (shorten) arguments with your partner:

 

1. Stop and Listen – this is simple, yet hard to do.
2. Take responsibility – acknowledge what you did, instead of denying it.
3. Don’t get defensive and deflect – when we get defensive, we dig in and stop listening. This happened when the husband asked his wife if she expected him to be perfect. He deflected when he told her that she does the same thing, which is irrelevant. It’s OK not to be perfect.
    

In summary, stop, listen, take responsibility, and let go of needing to be defensive.

Try it out. It really works.

Please, Hide or Collaborate - How do you interact with others?

Are you a “Pleaser?” Pleasers like to please others, at their own expense. They consider themselves unworthy and are fearful that people will not like them. In order to be liked, they please others.


Are you a “Hider?” Hiders have self-doubt and believe others are out to get them, so they hide and are silent. They feel powerless, victimized and resent those who are in the open.


Are you a “Collaborator?” Collaborators interact with others in a positive and constructive way. They are open to ideas of others, even when the ideas are different from their own.

How to Be an Emotionally Intelligent (and valued) Employee

What separates those employees that are the most successful from those that are less successful? One major difference is the ability to effectively communicate and collaborate with others. Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the ability to effectively act, communicate, and collaborate based on your emotions and the emotions of others. Most of us are emotionally intelligent in some areas, and less so in others. Here is Part 1 of EQ skills.

More Emotionally Intelligent Employee Behavior	Less Emotionally Intelligent Employee Behavior
Be Present -Is fully present when talking with managers and coworkers talk. -Turns away from the computer and makes eye contact when spoken to. -Pays attention to what is said. Stays focused on the discussion.	-Is not usually present. -Stays on the computer or texting.  -Does not make eye contact when spoken to by coworkers or others. -Doesn’t usually pay close attention. -Gets distracted easily thinking about how to respond, instead of listening.
No Judgment -Listens without judging others. -Listens to understand. -Summarizes what was heard. -Asks follow-up questions for clarity.	-Tends to judge coworkers, usually unfavorably. -Jumps in with unhelpful judgments or comments before getting the full story. -Interrupts others.
Be Empathic and Compassionate -Shows empathy (i.e. you sound frustrated, sad, disappointed, angry). -Shows compassion (Sorry you are having a difficult time with the project).	-Rarely speaks to coworkers with empathy and compassion. -Does not recognize or relate to other’s emotions.
Welcome Constructive Feedback -Listens without getting defensive. -Hears constructive feedback, without going on the attack or getting defensive.  -Accepts responsibility for actions and words. -Welcomes constructive feedback as an opportunity to improve.	-Gets defensive when managers or coworkers state, or even infers, that he did something wrong. -Makes excuses and replies “didn’t intend to do it.” -Does not accept responsibility for actions. Needs to look good and be right.
Support Coworkers -Listens and is present when coworkers share their issues and concerns. -Looks for ways to support and help coworkers.	-When coworkers share their problems and concerns, offers little support or help.

How to Be an Emotionally Intelligent Guy

Whoa! Are you telling me that guys need to be emotionally intelligent? Let’s take a quick look at a few examples of how an emotionally intelligent (and an emotionally not so intelligent) guy shows up in life, and you tell me what appeals to you.

Emotionally Intelligent Guy	Emotionally Not So Intelligent Guy
Is fully present when his partner is talking to him. He turns away from the computer and looks at her/him when they speak to him. He pays attention	Is not present. He keeps typing on the computer and does not make eye contact when his partner is talking to him. He isn't really paying attention.
Listens without judging his partner. He listens to understand what is being said. He summarizes what he has heard.	This guy tends to judge his partner, usually unfavorably. He jumps in with an unhelpful judgment or comment before getting the full story.
He shows empathy (ie. You sound frustrated, sad, disappointed, etc) and compassion (I am sorry you are having a difficult day.)	He rarely speaks to his partner with empathy and compassion
He listens without getting defensive. He can hear feedback, even when it’s not positive, without going on the attack. He can accept responsibility for his actions and words	He gets defensive when his partner states, or even infers, that he did something wrong. He makes excuses and says that he didn't “intend” to do it. He does not accept responsibility. He needs to look good and be right.
When his partner shares her problems and concerns, he listens and is present. He asks “Would you like me to just listen, or help you with your problem?”	When his partner shares her problems and concerns, he jumps immediately into problem solving. He thinks his job is to solve his partner's (and others') problems.
He stays present for difficult conversations dealing with sex, money, or in-laws.	He avoids difficult conversations. Sometimes disappearing in his proverbial “cave.”
He apologizes promptly when he is wrong.	He rarely apologizes, unless his partner demands that he do so.

So, which column do you commonly relate to? Which guy has the healthiest and most satisfying relationship with his partner? I used to be the emotionally not so intelligent guy. I didn't even realize that what I was doing was so destructive. Thanks to the work I have done, I now show up differently. You can too.

How to Respond to Feedback

“Guys Showing Up”

Guys: How to respond when your partner shares feedback you don’t like hearing

Most people don’t like hearing feedback that we deem as negative. Men, in particular, not only don’t like hearing negative feedback, but are not skilled in responding to their partners in this situation.

Here is a fairly typical communication between partners.

Your partner gives you unsolicited feedback about something you did, or said, that she didn’t like.

A typical male response is to state that it was not his intention along with getting defensive. He may shift the blame and become resentful while pointing out his partner’s deficiencies. Finally, he may disappear in his cave for a few hours or days.

The result is that the issue never gets discussed or resolved and both parties are upset and resentful. Unhealthy!

So, what is the healthier way for men to deal with feedback they don’t like hearing?

1.    Be grateful that your partner is willing to provide you with feedback; even it is the kind you don’t like to hear.

2.    Don’t get defensive or angry

3.    Make sure you understand the feedback by asking clarifying questions so that she knows exactly what the issue is. Restate what you think the issue is to your partner so they know you understand.

4.    Listen with empathy and compassion.

5.    In most situations, you have a part in the issue. What part of the feedback can you legitimately own? Whatever it is, own up to it! It is the adult thing to do and is very challenging.

6.    Apologize for your part (see above)

7.    Don’t offer solutions!

Stuart

www.StuartKaufman.com

206-725-1584

Ask and You Will Receive!

In all areas of our lives, when we have the courage to ask for what we want. we frequently receive what we want. When we don't ask, we typically don't receive. It is a simple idea, but not always easy to implement. Most people don't ask for what they want, because they don't know what they want. If they do know what they want, they are afraid of rejection and hearing the word "no".

Here are some ways to get what you want:

1. Be clear about what you are asking for. It is hard to ask for something, when you don't know what you are asking for. The more specific your description, the better.
   
   
2. Make a written list of what you want.
   
   
3. Make sure the person you are asking, has your full attention and understands your request. There are many distractions in life, so make sure your request is heard and clearly understood.
   
   
4. Ask the person who is most likely able to give you with what you want. Find the person who is most likely to be able to fulfill your request.
   
   
5. Expect to get what you ask for. Have a positive expectation.
   
   
6. Ask more than once, if necessary. Persistence pays.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain when you ask for what you want. In terms of the GYSIG program, you are much more likely to get more referrals from your Sphere, when you ask for them. Think of one thing, right now, that you would like and who you would need to ask to get it. Make a point to ask that person today - don't delay!

The Value of Delegation!

Most of us have work that we currently do, that could be done more efficiently, effectively and at less cost, by others. The more work we delegate, the more time we will have to that work which only we can do.

So, why don't we delegate more work, more often? Here are a few common reasons:

• Nobody can do our work as well as we do it.
  
  
• We don't trust others.
  
  
• We don't know what work to delegate.
  
  
• We don't know how to effectively delegate work.
  
  
• We don’t know how to hold others accountable.

Here are some tips on how to effectively delegate:

• Identify work that you are currently doing, that could be done by others. This includes book keeping, transaction coordination, marketing activities, and administrative tasks.
  
  
• Identify competent and reliable people to delegate to. A person's positive attitude and dependability are much more important than their skills.
  
  
• Clearly describe verbally, and in writing, what work you want done and when you want it completed.
  
  
• Provide the information and tools necessary to complete the job.
  
  
• Trust the person to do good work. Have a positive expectation.
  
  
• Do not micro-manage. The person you delegate to will probably do the work differently than you. And, that is OK. It is the results, not the process, that you are looking for.
  
  
• Appreciate, recognize and reward the person for their efforts.

Start today by identifying work that you can delegate and finding a reliable and trusted person to whom you can delegate.

"To write with a broken pencil, is pointless"